I’m starting to notice no matter what I do, how hard I try, I can’t seem to get a grip, I can’t get a hold of myself, and I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check. Anytime it comes to my emotions, I can’t control them, I don’t fucking know why, but what the fuck. I thought I use to be so in control of myself, but obviously not.
I feel I’m losing it, I feel I’ve reached the bottom, and I am losing all control, an uncontrollable emotion that I can’t control anymore. I’m at the bottom, and it’s tearing me apart. It’s never been this hard for me, ever, this point, this time, this moment, it’s almost gone, everything. I have one thread left to save everything, and it’s a very thin thread.

I lost the women I was happy with, was played pretty good, by some close buddies of mine, not necessarily great friends, but close buddies… I’m living in my house with two roommates, and none of us can honestly afford the mortgage, so I might short-sale my house for a profit if I can find the right investor…

“When anger rises, think of the consequences”

I’ve been delusional for the last 3-4 years, I’ve built the habit of doing nothing equals something, and now doing nothing is second nature, and I can’t seem to break the habit, the habit feels like unbreakable, it feels like it’s built into me now. I keep getting this dirty burning feeling inside of me that craves someone, somebody close, I was so use to having somebody near me for the last 3-4 years… Now it eats me up inside, not having it, and not being able to force myself to focus is driving me to be insane. Especially while losing everything.

Where do I go, how do I pull forward, how do I squash my girly emotions, and move on. How do I break this deadly lazy habit of mine? I constantly feel tired, worried, and lonely. I play like everything is going okay, but really, inside I feel broken, torn apart, not even from love, just from myself. I feel humiliated to be honest, breaking down like this from such a pathetic event. I am not asking for sympathy, I am asking for advice, for help, for guidance.

I want to sell my house, cash out, and change everything. I want success, I want to fix myself, I want to be happy again.