I strongly use to believe money and success was the answer to everything, and I’m not denying success or money, I want and need money in order to survive and give my daughter a great life. But I constantly ask myself, why with all the money I had, and all the things I did in my insane Hollywood Hills mansion, did I come out empty handed, and feeling completely empty inside. And it wasn’t until I saw Tony Robbins Unleash The Power Within live again, and just started watching his videos on YouTube again, that made it completely clear for me. Partying, hanging out with friends, living the dreams, buying Bentley’s, pulling up to clubs looking “cool” so to speak, doing drugs, going to strip clubs and “making it rain,” eating at the finest places in Beverly Hills, meeting celebrities, living in a “mansion,” the list goes on and on. I could keep telling so many cool stories, and just keep bragging away…
It was only until I finally got off my high-horse, and became sober, that it becomes clear, along with some insight from Tony.
I wasn’t growing. If you’re not growing, you’re dying.
All of that shit that I was doing, was making me unhealthy, constantly poisoning my body. Did you know anything you put in your body that is remotely acidic, lowers your body’s PH levels, and this means meat, dairy, sugar, and definitely drugs and alcohol. In the words of my mentor Tony, “Acid is aging.” I was completely dependent on drugs, and especially alcohol. I’m still learning to fight it even right now. The entire year in Hollywood, I never went on a single date sober. I was too nervous or anxious. And I went on a lot of dates. I remember even thinking in my head, “Oh my god, I can’t be sober, I’ll be to awkward and shy.” So I would drink an entire bottle of wine before my date arrived. I am not stretching the truth one bit here, not even the slightest. I could not stand being sober, even though I knew deep inside of me I wanted to be healthy and free.
So the point is, I wasn’t growing to be a better person, I was just killing myself, and temporarily covering my “true pain and worries” with the feeling of being high and being surrounded by the party life. I think I’ve narrowed down the source of my pain and desires (sort of). I was masking my true pain of what I envisioned success to be that I haven’t achieved yet / again (pain because I didn’t have what I wanted). I was sick of waiting for my 10 million dollar check, my Bugatti, and my Beverly Hills mansion. I wanted it all, and I wanted it so bad, and not having it made me feel fucking worthless (not significant). I’ve tasted the highlife before when I was 18-20 years old. I was getting $250,000 checks from Yahoo. I was sick of fucking waiting, so when I got any decent amounts of cash, I pretended to fucking have $250,000 still coming in every month. So I rented a $10,000 mansion, partied my ass off, bought Ace Of Spades bottles in clubs to show off ($1200 per bottle), bought a $100,000 Bentley in cash. I just simply couldn’t be patient and wait to be able to truly afford it.
Now, here’s the thing. Would I change it if I could? Maybe. But reminiscing and beating myself up on how much better I could of done it and how much better I could of reinvested my $250,000 I blew away, is just plain ole dumb. I’ve gone through that vicious cycle already. The point is, I’ve lived and I’ve learned, and I guess I could say I’ve slightly grew from it, could of grown in so many better ways though.
So now I’m on a path of fatherhood, and figuring out what my passions are in life. I’m slowly becoming more clear in my head, and enjoying life sober. My daughter is almost 6 months old, and she’s the joy of my life. I feel my love growing stronger for her every single day. I am so glad she came to me when she did, because a big part of me believes I would be dead without her. I have serious health conditions when it comes to drinking, and if I kept up with my same pattern, I don’t think I would be writing this blog today.
I have a lot of readers who are from way back in 2006 – 2008 when I was doing MySpace stuff, and probably a lot of you are curious on how you can make the type of money I am right now, which isn’t some crazy $250k/mo amount, but it’s a good solid 50k+/mo. I don’t want this blog to be too long, so I’ll just tell you this for now. Bitcoin! It’s not to late to ride the Bitcoin wave. I’m also invested into Amazon FBA as well, check out the Amazon course “Amazing Selling Machine.”
I’ve found that working out really fuels me and gets me excited for life, so now I workout consistently at least 3 times a week, I’ve been doing that for awhile now. I’m still trying to find my passion in business, and what I truly want to build, but I know that will come with time.
But what I am proud of is this. I no longer crave the egotistical part “as much” as I use too, I definitely cannot say I’m perfect and don’t care about my self image at all, that would be a load of crap. But I have stopped taking and posting selfies on Instagram from every day to about once every 6 months, I feel like that’s a lot of progress! I no longer crave constant attention from people, or need to be seen as the “king” at the round table buying bottles every weekend. I know longer spend worthless amounts of money on pointless merchandise to fill an empty void inside of me (this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy toys! It means I don’t buy as many!). I don’t live in a $10,000/mo mansion anymore, even though I still could. I actually feel I need it more now than I did before! I sold my Bentley Continental GT and downgraded to a 2008 Range Rover Sport! I know it’s a still one of those “Hey look at me toys,” but I’m not overdoing it until I can truly afford it! Baby steps right?
I feel myself beginning to get happier too, especially with a daughter. I feel like she was my cure to happiness.